John D. Fuckbody

Hi. I’m Alex Smith. I own a sybian.

I use this so I can nap while my prostitutes (or “toots” as I like to call them) get themselves off. I have so much money that I can literally afford to NOT fuck prostitutes.

But the reason I’m writing here today is that I’m actually reviewing this movie “Lars and the Real Girl” starring Ryan Phillipe…er… I mean Ryan Gosling as Lars. The co-star of the movie is Bianca, a Real Doll. I own a Real Doll not unlike the character of Bianca. However, unlike “Lars” — I actually fuck my Real Doll. Err. But thing is, I actually just own the “Full Back Torso” model. See, I don’t find any of the Real Doll faces pretty. Each one looks like a retarded version of Liza Minelli to me, and I fucking HATE Liza Minelli.

It reminds me of the time I was at Kenwood Country Club and I actually fucked Liza Minelli who, in an odd turn of events, was allowed on the grounds despite wearing a pair of garrish sandals and (we think) jeans the color of Khaki (or as we call them in the Smith family) “Kaa-Kaa.”

Believe you me, banging Liza Minelli was a chore in and of itself, and taking off those khaki colored jeans took all of my man prowess. But her vagina was surprisingly pleasurable. So when I was touring the Real Doll facility with the inventors and my Portuguese Translator Ivan, I was surprised and dismayed. Eager to pleaser, they took me to a tiny room in the back and showed me what I consider to be their marquis product: the backless torso:

I put this shit in the trunk and take it out. I can also hold it overnight and the fibers of silicone she was constructed out of warms to the touch of human. Therefore, by morning if I play my cards right and don’t leave my seed all over her, she’s warmed to the touch and I can blindly fuck the shit out of her until Roberts drops by at 11:15 am.

Then Roberts cleans her up. It’s one of his “chores” and he’s very good at it. I don’t let Roberts fuck her because he’s sick.

But sometimes I take my nine iron and fuck the shit out her though with it. It started because when I bought her she was like teenager tight. Knowwhati’msayin?

So guess which end of the golf club i put in her? Guess? Guess? I bet you can’t guess.

Ok so I got a copy of “Lars and the Real Girl” delivered to my bachelor pad. I was hoping for some donkey stick dick wet shit. But the problem is that this movie was written with a “heart” and “Lars” never even fucking schtuck his shit up in her dick stick crypt. This movie was about human beings and their relationships with one another and every actor and actress took their job seriously so there was nothing for me to rub my dick up against. I’ll stick to my backless torso doll. Thankxkbai! This is my movie review and I am Alex Smith.